Gaslighting Gaz

⛽️

They tell me I’m ‘Strong’ but how can I BE Strong if I don’t stand-up to the weakest person I know?

They tell me not to ‘wash my dirty laundry in public’ but what if it’s not my laundry, not for five years.

They tell me ‘I’m strong’ and believe me I AM.

I am fierce, of that you can be sure.

But what if she’s not?

And she looks up to me.

And she needs to see: there are people like me who know how she feels.

Those gaslights are real.
But they can be stopped.

In real life.

In real-time.

A desperately honest Little Story.

Let’s Talk.

*

*

I.

Sneaky Little Gaslighting Gaz

A Little Story

‘Gaslighting: manipulate someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity’

‘I understand you have a series of medical health issues and I can empathise’.

The message he sent but five days ago.

‘I understand you have a series of medical health issues and I can empathise…’

The blood pounds in my ears.

Why is my heart racing?

• 

The hand that holds the phone shaking?

It’s 7am.

I’ve been caught off guard.

Messages sent – around midnight – the previous night.

Why is this in my business account? Have I got the wrong page?
Am I imagining…double-check, yes it’s there..

He’s Trolling again?

I thought he was blocked?
Forget that a minute…

I need a minute.

I Pause.

Breathe.

‘Medical health issues?’

I don’t.

But maybe I do?

He’s saying it and why would he say it if I didn’t?
He must know something I don’t?

A sixth sense on his part.
Intuitive.

The ability to understand the mental health of his ex-wife.

Wives.

Why would he say it if it wasn’t true?

The pop at my character.

My stability. My mental health, if by ‘medical’ he means mental.

I feel like he does.

Pissed and overly confident, mixing up his words.

Sounds like something he would do.

These tactics I know, I lived them for years.

‘I understand you have a series of medical health issues and I can empathise…’

Do you think he means ‘sympathise?’

Regardless. 

‘Health issues’ ?

I don’t.
Of that I am sure, of that I am thankful.

But maybe he means it: ‘health’ – medical not mental.

Maybe it’s a threat.

A threat to my body.

Pissed and ready to strike.

Sounds like something he would do.

The abusive behaviour of the Fat-Controller.

The EX-HUSBAND. 

Sneaky Little Gaslighting Gaz ⛽️

The ‘hit her where it hurts’ schoolyard bully tactics.
Easy and cheap no effort required. God he’s good, or rather, he used to be.

After all this time, five years since I left and ran fast for the hills.

He’s losing his edge, but still…he keeps going.

It’s early: he got me. Cornered before coffee.

It’s sad. But it’s true.

The only thing he is good at.

That much is true.

The attacks on my character in this he excels.

The snap

Crackle

And pop

At my mind.

I know if I listen I will hear it, not the cereal but the click.

Click

Click

Click

The lighter. Steel against flint.

CLICK. There’s the flame.

I know this one, have heard it before.

Should really know better.

But it’s early, I’m happy and my guard it just slipped.
It feels like the times he told me I was ‘crazy’.

‘Tapped in the head.’

‘Would be better-off dead’.

Feels like abuse before breakfast.

Yes.

He’s good.

See what can be achieved when your heart’s really in it.
When you dedicate your time. Devote your life to the pursuit: The bullying of women.

And he’s ugly this bully but they always are aren’t they.

He is not a Strong Man but they never are are they.

Ugly Little Gaslighting Gaz ⛽️

Master in the art.

Flame throwing behind closed doors and computer screens.

‘I understand you have a series of medical health issues and I empathise…..but not at the point of endangering my child’

Say WHAT?

Come again? 

Endangering the kid?

The little girl I hold in my arms every night?

The love of my life: like wearing my heart on the outside?

‘Endangering’ ? 

The words on the screen tell me.

He ‘has no option but to go to the police’.

He’s ‘sure I appreciate’.

I do not appreciate.

I do not understand.

My MOT has expired and he’s BLACKMAILING ME?

He sent a screenshot, why does he have a screenshot of my car?

He is abusing and blackmailing me?

His words are not true, he is blocked on all sides, how did he get through? 

The burst of adrenaline as I read his message in my nightgown.

Fight

Or Flight.

I can feel it.

The rush it is happening.

Hello panic old friend.

It’s coming, it’s trying.

My chest it feels tight – I don’t have the virus.

What does he mean?

The police.

The police.

The police.

I’ve made a mistake.

I’m so stupid, how could I let this happen!?

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I can’t breathe.

The reflex of thought.
The years of conditioning.

I need a second to adjust.

Why is he saying this?

What’s going on?

The beating of my heart:

Be-Bang.

Be-Bang.

Be-Bang

BANG!

The blood that pounds in my ears.

Confusion.

What’s going on?
He’s doing it again?

Endangering?

Endangering?

Endangering?

HE’S GOING TO THE POLICE!

What does he see that others do not?

We are what we see and I never look at him.

But what if they believe him?

He’s really good at lying.

Fight the panic.

Be still.

Be still.

Be still.

Don’t let it reach the eyes.

Remember your worth Remember your worth Remember your worth

It’s 7am.

I want coffee.

And I’m shaking.

But I’m breathing.

I’m breathing.

I’m breathing.

I’m breathing.

‘It’s ok, you’re not dying, remember he does this.

Everything is ok.

It’s ok.

Breathe….

You’re ok…

The kid makes little snores to my left.
I take a moment, take-in her little face.
My own face is wet.
I am crying.

‘Sweetheart it’s ok, everything is ok’
I whisper to myself.

I do not understand what he is saying.

But I understand something.

The need to stand-up.

Today is the last time.

Five years since I was there: Abuse is Abuse.

I readjust my guard, I’m sorry it slipped.

Dear God give me strength.

It’s 7am.

I’m taking control of my morning coffee.

My day.

My life.

My story.

Today is the last time.

.

.

.

II.

Sneaky Little Gaslighting Gaz ⛽️
Same old, same old.

“That’s how it works: Behaviour and time it stacks.
It stacks man, it shows” ~T.B

Why is he sending these messages.

It’s midnight and strange.

To my business account for others to see?

The need for the audience in matters of me.

Every month the pattern’s the same.

Get drunk – then message.

Get drunk – then push.

Get drunk – and fight.

With everyone and anyone who care so little about him.

Get drunk – abuse his mother.

Get drunk – the ex-wife, another, not me.

Get drunk – abuse me.

We all get our turn.

Needy Little Gaslighting Gaz.

It has been five years – much more.

Relentless abuse:

‘Move on with your life, let go of me’.

‘And let go of her – the one before me – she’s out of your league’.

But he keeps us all there.
Like ducks in a row.

One pop.

Two pop.

Three pop.

Four.

The rotation is swift.

I’m strong and she’s game.

But years of abuse?

Gets boring.

It’s draining.

It’s sad.
But it’s true.

Nasty Little Gaslighting Gaz. 

Master in the art.

Of showing-up.

Casting-up.

And lighting-up.

Forty-a-day and still going strong.

Poouufff!

A puff of smoke and he’s gone:
Alcohol and drugs, sex-workers to see.

The proof is all there.

Did he think it got lost?

But he will be back of that you can bet.

Driving past our homes.

Our work.

Our families.

The whole world is in ‘lockdown’ and he’s patrolling me.

Did he think we don’t know? 

That people don’t see?

*

*

*

Just Checking

The harassment.

The emails.

And texts.

And abuse.

The checking.

And checking.

And checking.

AND CHECKING.

Cloud storage full with screenshots of me.

And her.

And her.

AND HER.

‘What a fucking bitch, she’ll get it YOU’LL see’

The messages I’ve seen: does he think we don’t talk?

The paperwork it’s there.

Sneaky Little Gaslighting Gaz.

The Pages.

And pages.

AND PAGES.

Each ex-wife.

Over.

And Over.

And Over.

AGAIN.

Harassing his Mother:

One.

Two.

Three.

Abusive messages in a row.

“Cesspit people” – ain’t that what he says.

Then there’s calling.
It’s completely insane.

Ring

Ring

Ring

Ring-Ring-Ring-late-night-and-pissed-Ring-Ring – His mother-she’s-been-sick-but-this-guy-won’t-quit-Ring-Ring-His-Wife-She’s-RINGING-TOO-RING-RING-RING-RRRRIIINNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

Maybe he’s gaslighting her.

Someone please check.

Abuse is Abuse.

It’s exhausting.

The changed numbers.
Changed cars.
Changed clothes.

No shame and no life.

To live in this way.

What life does he live?

It’s sad.

But it’s true.

Needy Little Gaslighting Gaz.

“I’m a good guy, don’t believe in telling lies”
~ Gaz

Tramadol-fuelled late night and lying.

Then there’s the stalking.

It’s completely insane:

‘It would appear by photographs I have been sent that you are in….’

Been sent? And by whom?
And should I be in hiding? Witness protection? If so then I’m failing.

Abuse is abuse and it needs to STOP.

The police that have been called.

Alarms all secured.

Again.

And Again.

AND AGAIN.

Dirty Little Gaslighting Gaz.

He knows the game – Ain’t that the truth.

The system that enables.
Encourages abuse.
‘Business is business’ – ain’t that what they say.

His solicitor’s no different.

Money talks and he sends. Letters stamped ‘without prejudice’.

That block-up our door.

Schoolyard bully tactics for adults with money.

Feels dirty.

It’s wrong.

Like robbing the bank then demanding a loan.

Enough is enough ✋

JUST STOP 🛑

*

*

III.

Time To Be Clear.

Before we dearly depart and just to BE CLEAR.

Are we meant to be scared?

Of him and his lies?

Sneaky Little Gaslighting Gaz?

Liar, LIAR pants on fire?

Years of the pounding – the blood in my ears.

The black eyes.

The pure lies.

The blackmails

And the gaslights.

Who longer cares?

About him or his ways?

We’ve all got our masks – been wearing them for years.

Scared of the blackmail? That he’ll show the nudes that he keeps. The sex-tape that was made? How passé is that – but he’s not unique.

And illegal of course in case you don’t know.

Perhaps the messages that I sent?

Five years ago.

When he had me cornered: isolated and vulnerable.

And losing my mind.

‘A series of medical health issues’ – ain’t that what he says.

The threats that he makes.

‘Your MOT has expired, I’m going to the police’.

An innocent mistake but he lives for this.

‘999 – You have the address.‘

It has been five years, he’s making me sick.

The way he measures my tyres when outside my house?

We stand and watch – CCTV there he is.

Why would he do that – Is he trying to kill me?

‘Insidious behaviour’ as noted by the police.

Dirty Little Blackmailing-Gaslighting Gaz.

Blackmailing?
It’s sloppy.

*

*

Fear Yes, But of What?

‘I tell you I’ve been scared

But of much more than this’

Cruel Little Gaslighting Gaz.

It’s not possible he thinks it was ever about him?
If not for my daughter I would laugh in his face.
Five years are you kidding?

I wouldn’t even remember his name.

But my daughter she’s watching.

Strapped into his car.

Looking out of the window.

At her Daddy at the wheels.

At her Mummy’s back tyre.

I stand and I watch for what can I do? 

He’s at my car – she’s buckled into his.

I can’t get to her.

Can’t tell her.

It ok.

It’s ok.

Sweetheart it’s ok, everything is ok’.

Don’t worry I saw him, there’s no need to be worried.

Careless Little Gaslighting Gaz.

Access once a month.

Always late.

Let’s everything down.

And goes on his way.
Again and again.

Next month just the same.

Abuse is Abuse.

And children can tell.

What’s right and what’s wrong.

It upsets them at night.

Six times she’s been sick, can someone please help.

*

*

For her there was fear.

I knew that he’d show her, before she was grown.

That her Daddy’s not Superman.

Not the daddy she deserves.

He’s not.

And she knows.

Her little body it tells.

Anxiety the doctor said.

And that breaks my heart.

Congratulations you’ve won.

“Abuse thrives on silence; a Petri dish of shame that needs silence to survive”

That was ALWAYS my shame.

I was trying to hide.
That kept me awake.
Crunched over at night.

I made the wrong choice.

For that I felt SHAMED.

I let myself down.

FOR THAT I FELT ASHAMED.

That I had let her down because I got it wrong.

They say I should be silent but five years of abuse?
A mother must protect her child so here I am saying:

I am no longer ashamed enough is enough. It’s cruel and it stops.

Starting today.

*

*

You know the kid she is perfect.

The shame it was false.

The result of a gaslight; lighter and flame.

We are what we see and I’m looking at her.

She’s looking at me.

Together we are STRONG.

Together we are happy.

And we are not alone.

I know that we’ve got this.

That’s how this works.

*

*

*

Moving Forward.

Sneaky Little Gaslighting Gaz.

I’m not scared and I’m telling.

I understand you have a series of medical health issues…

And I can empathise.

Really.

I do.

But it’s time to move on.

Put down your lighter and be on your way.

It’s time to move on.

Starting today.

*

*

#womensaid

Home

National Domestic Abuse helpline 📞08082000247