A Little Story
‘If I told you that I miss you, I mean it most, My Friend’
I have never been good with things left unsaid
The words
The feelings
The emotions
The emotional state
An uneasy state of affairs
The reasons I feel – My reasons
For feeling the way that I do.
I have never been good with the bullshit
The pretence
The pretending to be fine
All
The
Time
‘I’m fine’.
Although I can do it for years – believe that
I surprise even myself
But eventually it shows
And it radiates
Like a coating on my skin
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The truth of the matter – My matter
My metaphysical might
The lack – My lack
Of emotional foresight.
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It weighs on my heart
It plays on my mind
Fucks with me in the night
A game of ‘tag’ with my consciousness
‘Hide and seek’ with no light.
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I’ve never been good with not saying
I need you
I love you
Help me
I am hurt
Or
‘Do you know that I needed you – to check that I was ok’
‘You don’t know, but I need you – today’
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Surprisingly ‘good’ at not saying
Conflictingly: not good with the not
Cognitive dissonance – it’s playing
Tying myself up in knots
Not saying
Not asking
Not speaking
Not yet
Twisting and a-pulling
Looping that bloody loop
Intricately
Inside-and-out
Securing the truth
Not saying
In knots – like a good Boy Scout
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And the honesty it’s in there – believe that
And it’s demanding
Clearly and in plain sight
Furious; it’s indignant
For it’s moment in the spotlight.
But the fear it gets me stalling
It’s visceral
And it hurts
Stops me from giving my insides
Catches me in fright.
The fear:
Of being judged
Of being seen
Of being wrong
‘Not right’
The fear of appearing weak
That I must lock away
Insecurity in its steel case
Vulnerability in its place
Not today
Not today
Not today
I have never been good with the hiding
Not forever – no way
But the truth can be shelved for a little while
‘I simply have nothing to say’
Not today
Not today
Not today
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But slowly
Surely
It gets me
The signs – I’m beginning to fray
The gnawing
The nibbling
It’s right there
Who said that I am ok?
It’s radical how this happens
The infestation of my thoughts
One minute:
‘We’re cool’
‘It’s all fine’
The next
‘KkkaaaaaaabBOOOooooommm’
She’s off!
Standing back I can see it – believe that
How intense this all must seem
The innocent unknowing just sitting there
Witnessing the unfurling of my seams
The words from my mouth just pouring
‘What’s happening is this a dream?’
The response – the confusion
Is rational:
‘Why didn’t you say something?
Why didn’t you say?
Why didn’t you say something
ON. THE. DAY ?’
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My Ego.
You see
It’s strong
And defensive – no doubt
Likes to step-in and protect
Doesn’t care if it’s right or wrong
Doesn’t bother about circumspect
It just needs me to feel safe
Doesn’t care if I’m not saying
Hates It when I’m needy
Gives no shits about my praying.
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‘But if only you had said something – I don’t see as you do’
‘Didn’t know that you needed…you were seeking your truth’
‘I could have stepped-up, reassured you…helped you to get through’
I know!
But the EGO!
My Ego.
It’s ignorant
Please see
It doesn’t care about the ‘right thing’
Gives no ‘flying’ about my pleas
I’ll stop – I’m making excuses
The truth is, it just doesn’t know how
It just doesn’t know how
I just didn’t know how
I just don’t know how
To say
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So I’ve waited and I’ve hidden
The words I needed to say:
Tucked-away – ‘safely’ stored
Patiently waiting
For their moment to explode.
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I have never been good with the not saying
The life that’s left unsaid
The serendipity that it exposes
The mirrors of regret
And the words they hold such meaning:
The gracious and the rad’
The heartbreakingly honest
The vulnerable
The bewildered
And the sad
Sentences swallowed
Passed their shelf-life
Unable to digest
The ‘I love you’s’
The ‘where were you’s’
The ‘I need you’s’
And the rest.
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I’ve never been good with the not saying
Never been able to forget
When I felt that
Or thought that
All the times when I should have said.
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I’m sorry that I didn’t say – but my lessons they are like that
My lessons they are like that
My lessons
They are like that.
I ponder them in bed.
The times when I reload
The thoughts – My thoughts
Inside my head
Are the times when I hope the most
That now – right now
All the things they have been said.
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And now that the ego is vanquished and I can put those fears to bed:
If I told you that ‘I Love you’
Please know I meant this the most
If I told you that ‘You hurt me’
What I meant was ‘Please help’
‘Please help me – please – I’m lost.’
If I told you
Then I meant it
All the things that you have read
If I told you that ‘I miss you’
I mean it the most
My Friend.
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I promise it is the real deal
A really
‘Good price my Friend.’
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Woman in Conversation 